Monday, September 29, 2008

Doctors discover gene for 'Login paralysis'

Two Topeka-based scientists of the Login Dynamics Laboratory have announced that they have discovered the gene responsible for 'Login Paralysis syndrome' - a neuromuscular condition first identified in lab rats but more and more common amongst the human web-surfing population. When confronted by confusing Web login UI, those affected by the gene suffer symptoms such as catatonia, excessive sweating, and twitching of the mouse hand.

According to the research, the fault is in the gene of the protein kinase A of chromosome 17. The mutation increases the quantity of cortisol in the blood, this increased cortisol resulting in the typical symptoms when patients face non-intuitive user interfaces for logging in to Web sites. 

"It's a horrible condition, absolutely debilitating", said Eugene Swan, PR Director for the Laboratory. "Suffererers can't do their online banking,  make online purchases, or, God help them, even update their Twitter status. We thought we had a handle on it, but then federated identity comes along and numbers of patients just explode. We now think that these high numbers of patients have always been there, we just weren't aware of the full extent of the problem because the gene doesn't manifest itself fully till those patients try to decipher some of the user interfaces for federated log-in."

When asked about the prevalence of the anomalous gene amongst the population, head researcher Dr Adam Ventner responded 'Oh, it's 100%. Everybody has it. Except the Inuit, we're not sure why'.

Work begins on a vaccine.

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