Protect your valuables

This makes me think of something analogous for identity

Tired of the constant struggle every morning trying to get your online identity looking perfect? IdentityGuard revolutionizes the way you protect your online identity. IdentityGuard can be customized to your own particular online identity in seconds, with three easy adjustments. Just apply the IdentityGuard to your online attributes, and rest assured your valuable attributes will be safe from being trimmed or knicked by malicious hackers. Hey guys, take it from me  - girls love IdentityGuard!

I'd even market it the same way, i.e an attractive girl staring with devotion at a handsome guy - he confident in the security of his online attributes.

For myself, as I don't typically shave when completely pi%&#d or asleep, the goatee template seems unnecessary.

Now, if they made something similar to protect my wife's flowers from the depredations of my mowing ....